Saying Goodbye...

How do you begin to say goodbye to someone whom you never got to say goodbye too.

It all began when I was still studying in Melbourne, Australia. I got onto IRC and waited for my then girlfriend to appear in a “chatroom”, I think then it was on DALNET, Mamak or something like that. I saw this name listed in the chatroom, “Equinox”, I found it interesting because I had been taught geography by my own dad, and immediately recognized it and struck up a conversation with this person.. I found out that she was a student in doing her A Levels/Matriculation just before leaving for UK to study Economics with a JPA scholarship at Cambridge. This was honestly a very smart person I was talking to.

We got to talking and our friendship grew because of similar backgrounds, coming from similar parentage (i.e. mixed parentage). We called each other “kopi susu”. We promised to meet up when I got back to Malaysia for the summer holiday in December. We met, and I discovered that she was VERY VERY tall. She towered over me at 5’11”. Needless to say, I was surprised, and the first words out of my mouth “You’re very tall” and that didn’t make for a good first impression I must say. But she was not at all disturbed by it.

She went off to UK soon after that and I returned to Australia. Our friendship continued through emails and IRC. We shared our struggles in our studies, in my long distance relationships struggles, her family struggles etc. Needless to say we became fast friends who confided in each other. Years passed and I finished studying and started work, went through a breakup and she was still there for me.

Needless to say that I did grow to have feelings for her. It seemed, unreal to actually grow close to someone who was so far away. I even “infiltrated” her family, namely her dad. I helped her dad by repairing and servicing his computer from time to time, because he needed to get in touch with her via email. So I got to know her dad.

Through my “successful” career years, where I was enjoying “single and yet lonely” life, making friends and partying we kept in touch quite closely over email. My feelings grew and grew and then I confessed the feelings I had for her. And no guesses for the response, she could not reciprocate because she said that she was “selfish” because she wanted to concentrate on her studies and future career. I replied honestly saying that I understood, but I just had to let her know. From there we grew to become closer friends where we’d confess our struggles and secrets to one another. I was still a backslidden Christian at that point.

She continued to remain in UK after her Economics degree to continue her Masters under scholarship again. * I told you she was smart*.. So I remained here, started coming back to the Lord and continued to share with her about my faith journey back in faith. While she continued to excel at her studies, she was also excelling in swimming and rowing in her varsity. I was completely impressed. During her summer holidays whenever she came back we’d go out together for some arty shows, dinner etc. She graduated and then started working in a high profile job, traveling around Europe etc. All this while, I still had some sort of secret wish that she’d come back and we could maybe meet and who knows ;)

I got retrenched in the meantime and thus started my downwards career spiral, and I got a job that was near to her dad’s house. In May of 2002, I decided pay her dad a surprise visit to just inquire how she was doing. I was surprised to find out that she had come back from the UK, leaving her high-paying bank job to come back and be with family. We were both busy with our jobs, and we talked on the phone and promised to meet each other. She did say she was searching for meaning and direction in life.

This continued till June, when I decided to surprise her on her birthday, to call her and see how she’s doing. As I drove to my cousin’s place in OUG, I called her phone. A male voice answered the phone, and I said that I was looking for her, and wanted to wish her Happy Birthday. The voice on the other end of the line said stoically “Didn’t you know that she took her life 2 weeks ago?”. The voice belonged to her brother. Her brother advised me not to call his dad so soon, as they were still in shock. I wanted to know more, I wanted to visit. I was too stunned, I called Chris, and he spoke words that just reassured me that all things happen for a reason. I didn’t want to believe that she would take her own life. I battled all the reason in my mind, and just resolved to let it be. I mourned her for the next few months, regretting not meeting up with her.

I did as much as I could to search online about her. A cousin of hers blogged, writing about the circumstances under which she had passed on. The circumstances in which she passed on were quite questionable. A friend who heard about the way she passed on gave me information. All in all the information seemed similar, that she had passed on in her sleep, while her room was filled with aromatherapy vials and burners.

That happened more than 3 years ago, and I’ve still not been able to meet her dad, I just didn’t know what to say to him then. I still don’t know what to say to him. But we have called each other, and he does sound very much better than before. In fact he sounds more self confident now than when I met him many years ago.

So my dear friend, I only have one regret in my friendship with you, is that I never got to share the Love of Jesus with you. Even I knew that you were interested in getting to know Him, I never shared about Him directly with you. For that I am sorry. So, even if I never got to share the Gospel of Jesus Christ personally with you, I pray that in the final months of your life, that you had made peace with the Lord, and that we’ll meet one day in Heaven, and we’ll have a great big laugh at how worried I was about you and all the silly stories we shared over the years. I miss your company, your wisdom, your laughter, your encouraging words and your honesty. I will miss the growing years that we’d go through as friends. I miss you my dear friend, very much. Goodbye at last my dear Kopi Susu.